Band Owns Up to Being Smaller Than Beatles
One of North America’s most obscure legendary bands, The Near Myths, has admitted to being “smaller than The Beatles.” The five band members, all wearing solemn expressions, made this confession at a recent press conference in Nowheresville, where they recorded their new album, …and into the flow. They then took questions from members of the press, or would have, had any bothered to turn up.
A visibly shaken Jim Clark, read from a paper, which trembled in his talented hands: “We, The Near Myths are, unequivocally, smaller than The Beatles.”
“Not physically,” lead guitarist Terry “Teep” Phillips quickly added.
“No, some of have a few pounds on any of The Fab Four,” Clark agreed.
“And we all could look Ringo in the eye,” added Katy Adams.
“Though we don’t mean that metaphorically,” Ben Greene pointed out. “At least when it comes to musical stature.”
“Or the gift of joy he’s brought to millions,” added keyboardist Bernadette Greene.
“We’ve only brought our gift to dozens,” said Ben.
“Which is considerably smaller than millions,” Teep said.
“If any reporters were here to ask how we came to conclude that we’re smaller than The Beatles,” Ben began.
“Considerably smaller,” Teep emphasized.
Ben nodded. “Then first off I’d tell them I’m not knocking us or putting us down. I’m just saying it as a fact, and it’s true, more for England than here.”
“It’s true the world over,” said Katy.
“Yes,” said Jim, “but we did sell a few copies of our first two albums in the States. As I recall, in England we sold none.”
“Which is smaller,” said Teep.
“Look,” Jim said, “I firmly believe our new third album, …and into the flow is our best, but if it sells even one one-hundredth of what The Beatles’ least selling album sold, I’d be shocked.”
“And one one-hundredth, you must admit, as a fraction is quite small,” said Teep.
“I remember when the realization dawned on us,” Katy recalled, “just after one of the last recording sessions for …and into the flow. We were in Wilson, North Carolina at the home of Phil Valera, who produced and mixed the album.”
“And did a masterful job,” said Bernadette. “It’s our richest sounding record yet.”
“True,” said Ben. “Phil had put on The Beatles’ Love album, and we were sitting quietly, marveling at the quality of their music. I turned to Katy and said, ‘All Phil has to do, is make us sound like that.’ ”
“Which he didn’t,” Teep said.
Ben fought back a sigh, and went on. “About a minute later, it occurred to me: The Beatles sang better than we do. And played better. And wrote better songs.”
“However,” Bernadette added, “this new album includes many of our finest songs.”
“Yes,” Jim agreed, his face no longer quite so glum. “The album includes one final song from the late lamented Andy Oglesby, ‘No Danger,’ which has a catchy stinging guitar line from Teep and a hip vocal from Katy. Ben’s ‘Cooler Heads Prevail’ features an ultra cool horn arrangement.”
“Jim’s ‘Caprice’ is vying for my all time favorite Near Myths’ track,” Katy said. “And there are plenty of others that I’d recommend as really really good.”
“Though not The Beatles,” several band members responded, voices overlapping.
“For example,” said Bernadette, “Teep’s ‘I Guess My Eyes Are Playing Tricks on Me’ has a terrific Fleetwood Mac vibe.”
“We’re smaller than them, too,” said Teep. “Physically as well. That Mick Fleetwood is pretty tall.”